Justifiable Homicide

I'm contemplating homicide tonight. Or maybe just assault. Whatever it is, you can be sure it will be felonious and it will hurt. A lot.

I left the house at 3:30 this afternoon to pick up a few things from Wal-Mart. Marissah came with me because she needed some stuff for a school project. I should preface all of this by saying I am extremely tired today. I haven't slept well in a few days and it's catching up with me.

On our way to Wal-Mart Marissah explained to me that she can't just bring two things on her list to school, because then she'll only get two extra points. You see, they are making an edible cell model and the teacher gave them a list of supplies she needs. I told Marissah I was sure she didn't need ALL of that stuff, but she insisted she did. And those extra points are why. For each item on the list that the kids bring in they get an extra point on their grade. 15 items total on the list and you get 15 extra points. That's a HUGE difference when it comes to a project or test. My beef is that I'm essentially *buying* her grade. There is NO WAY the teacher needs all 24 kids to bring a package of paper plates. Or a pack of Dixie cups. Or a freaking package of gumballs. Gimme a freaking break.

We got all our stuff at Wal-Mart and went to check out. I went to swipe my debit card only to find it wasn't there. In fact, my entire wallet seemed to be missing. #%(*#Q&%*(#Q)*^$ And that is exactly what I said! The cashier at Wal-Mart was kind enough to say she'd hold my stuff, but I was pretty sure she wouldn't. This is Wal-Mart. In Tennessee. Need I say more? Besides, I had bigger things to worry about. Namely how I was going to get onto the secured base without my military ID.

I don't know any of the sentries on base, but there are some who are more friendly than others. You know I didn't get one of the friendly ones, right? Oh no, never happen. I got this runty little guy who apparently thought I was scamming him. I explained my predicament and he asked all kinds of questions (including where my husband works and if I have stickers on my van---as if he couldn't see the stickers right in front of his beady little eyes). Finally he told me to wait a minute, but not before he asked to see my driver's license (it's in the wallet with my freaking ID you moron!). I thought he was going to get something or someone to sign me in, but he just went to wave a car from the adjacent parking lot through. Then he came back to my side of the road and waved me through. As I was driving past I said "Thank you!" and he yelled for me to stop. I kid you not, he said: "Whoa, where are you going in such a hurry?" I was just about ready to strangle him, but I kept my cool. He finally let me go, but gave me a lecture about how important it is to keep my information on me. @@ <-eye roll. When I finally got back to Wal-Mart I was just tickled to see that not only had my cashier kept my stuff out, but she had just suspended the transaction so it was super-fast. I've never received such good service in Wal-Mart before-in Tennessee or elsewhere-and I made sure she knew that.

Now I had just one last obstacle. I had to pass the Moronic Sentry before I could get home. I seriously considered going all the way around to the other gate, but it was already 5:00 and I had no desire to prolong this excursion any more than I already had.

By the time we hit the gate I already had my ID out of my wallet and my window down. I was hoping I could just slide on through, but of course he remembered me.

"Well," he said. "I see you found it."

"Actually, it was never lost," I told him. "I just forgot it."

"Aw, you were just playin' tricks on me, weren't you?" he said in a smarmy voice. I swear, he was flirting with me.

I didn't stick around for anything else. He could have called Shore Patrol on me and I wouldn't have cared. Talk about an asshole. Did I mention how short he was? Napoleon complex, for sure. Short people should never be given power positions.

I'm glad I made his day, glad he got a laugh and some entertainment at my expense. I'll be thinking of him tonight when it drops down below thirty degrees and he's still standing outside at that gate. And I'll be laughing, too.

I can guarantee you that is one sentry I'll never forget and he'll never get so much as a "have a nice day" from me again.