The Truth about Laundry

1. The Laundry Defect
Amazingly, every member of my family except me lacks the special ability to see dirty laundry. Yes, it's true. I call it the laundry defect. At least once a week I send the kids upstairs to bring their hampers down. Inevitably, the hampers come down about half full. I then go upstairs and fill two freaking baskets of things they missed. They apparently never think to look in the bathrooms or even, for that matter, on their own bedroom floors. If it's not in the hamper it must not need to be washed, hmmm?

2. The Breeding Factor
Anyone who has ever done laundry knows about the Breeding Factor. This is the phenomena that unfailingly causes your laundry pile to double-or even triple-overnight. It has no known cause. If you drop a single dirty t-shirt into the empty laundry hamper before bed, by the time you wake up in the morning it will have grown into three shirts, a pair of jeans and one sock (I'll get to the sock thing later). I'm working on a laundricide right now (you know, pesticide for laundry). You'll hear more about this as soon as I get my patent.

3. The Sock Monster
Contrary to what your mother told you when you were a child, monsters do exist. They feed on socks exclusively. And they only eat one at a time. And they are obsessive-compulsive, so the socks must not come from the same pair. Unfortunately, the Sock Monster does not rule out the Breeding Factor.

4. The Invisible Stain
Yes, this one is tricky. I check the clothes carefully before I put them in the washer with the intention of using the Spray N Wash to banish any and all stains. When none are found I wash and dry the load. And I always find at least one stain that was invisible until the garment was washed. I'm beginning to think it's a conspiracy. We all know that once that garment has been in the dryer that stain is never coming out. And yet, it apparently didn't even occur until the garment was in the wash. Hmmm......

5. Drawer Deficiency
I've become convinced that there is no reason for me to be all caught up on laundry because there is simply not enough room in my house to store all the clean clothes. I can do one load of laundry and the drawers are full. Where the heck am I supposed to put the other four loads? Hell, why bother to do them at all if there's nowhere to put them???

6. The Hand Washing Myth
Don't buy into this. Unless it's cashmere, throw it into a lingerie bag and wash in cold water on the delicate cycle. If it's cashmere you should be able to afford dry cleaning (I have no cashmere and I don't even know where the dry cleaner is in this town). This rule was created by some misogynistic man who loves to see women slumped over the bathroom sink trying to get all the damn Woolite bubbles out of her silk blouse without creating wrinkles.

7. Abundant Hampers
If you have many hampers you will always feel like you're winning the laundry battle. Truly, if you have six hampers and only three of them are full you're doing great, aren't you? I have five hampers and two baskets. Four are full right now. I'm still winning. Go now to Target and buy at least two more baskets. You'll probably never fill them, thus you will, from now on, always feel like you're more on top of things.