Driving in Memphis

I had to take Micah to the doctor today (just a regular check-up) and was reminded of all the reasons I hate driving in Memphis. People around here just don't know how to drive. If there's ever been a case of road rage in Memphis, I'd be willing to bet at least one person involved was a non-native. Seriously.

I never got much freeway-driving experience until I moved to San Diego. For one, I lived an hour away from the nearest big city. For another, my mom was (and still is) terrified of freeway driving. Essentially, I learned in the "sink or swim" manner. I'm proud to say I swam and, to this day, have never been in an accident while I was driving.

Driving in Memphis, especially on the interstate, is awful for someone who hasn't driven here their entire life. The speed limit is 65, so why in the hell are you going 55, moron? No, this isn't a little old lady I'm talking about. It's a grown man in his pick-em-up truck. But, really, it's not just him. It's everyone. They're all going 55 in a 65 mph zone. Curious.

Or maybe it's not so curious. You see, when it's time to merge, everyone slows down to let those poor suckers trying to get on the freeway in. Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute! Why not just move over to the middle lanes???? Well, apparently those middle lanes are not for driving on. They are for.......um........nothing? I don't know what they're for, but only in the heaviest traffic are they used. Otherwise everyone's in the far right lane and they're slowing way down so Jim Bob can get his Dodge Ram onto the freeway.

You'd think that all these slow drivers and empty center lanes would make for smooth sailing for a driver like me, one who is completely unconcerned whether or not Jim Bob makes it on to the freeway. But no. Just.....no. Old Earl there, in his 1968 Cadillac, thinks he owns the road. He pays taxes on the whole thing, so why can't he use three lanes at a time? And don't forget Billy Tom, who has his kids riding in the back of his pickup, unrestrained, of course. No seat belts in the bed of a truck, after all. The church bus (and there are about 350,000 of them in the city of Memphis alone) is going 30 in the right lane, apparently looking for sinners who may be wandering the side of the freeway, just looking for a ride to a better place. Wait, is that a minivan stopped up ahead? Why yes, it is. Looks like Darla Sue saw a deer and, wouldn't you know it, she just happens to have her rifle handy and she's all dressed to hunt, what with her purty camouflage jacket. Who's it going to hurt if she just pulls over and pops off a couple shots? Willie stopped to scrape that possum off the HOV lane. That'll make a tasty lunch. And there I am, dodging cars and trucks and vans and praying, just praying for a nice, leisurely drive on the 5 North. During rush hour.

You see, in Southern California no one gives a rat's ass if you're trying to get on the freeway. You put on your blinker and start merging, praying you'll make it without hitting anyone. You can do this safely if the car closest to you is worth more than your vehicle. That dude in the Mercedes is not going to risk his $4000 paint job. He'll let you in. Time to exit? Again, just do it. There's no need to slow down. Take the shoulder if you have to. Everyone, including the Highway Patrol, understands. If you've ever wondered why people in SoCal drive 4-wheel drive vehicles when there's no terrain to speak of, it's because of this: they're simply looking for a vehicle that can climb over the Beetles and Volvos. And most of the time they're successful.

Of course, there are hazards to driving the SoCal freeways. Well, driving in SoCal in general is a hazard, but there are a few things to keep in mind. Rule one: Never stop. Ever. Blown tire? Keep on driving until the next exit. No, it does not matter that everyone is waving at you and yelling that your tire is flat. As long as the car can continue to move forward, you must keep going until the exit. Yes, this happened to me. No, I was not going to risk life, limb, children and car by pulling off on the shoulder. That's just another lane to Californians.

Rule two: Avoid hand gestures, unless they are obscene. Yes, strange as it seems, you must not acknowledge a good freeway deed with a wave. Just treat it as your God-given right and keep moving.

Rule three: Keep up with the flow of traffic. I don't care if you're scared. I don't care if you don't want a speeding ticket. If your car can't keep up with the other drivers on the road (sometimes this means going 90), get the hell off. You have no business on California roads (not just freeways) if you can't stomach high speeds. No one's going to get anywhere if we all slow down.

Rule four: Close your eyes and hope for the best. Yes, this seems pretty simplistic, but it's always worked for me.

Happy driving!