Traumatized at Safeway

I was traumatized at Safeway tonight. I seriously doubt I'll ever fully recover. I was standing in line at the pharmacy, waiting to pick up Micah's prescription when it happened. I nearly ran from the store, but those meds are important!

It all started because the woman in line ahead of me had a most interesting dress on. It was hot pink with a butterfly pattern all over it. Yes, it would be a bad dress on anyone, but it was an especially poor choice for someone as large as this woman was. Butterflies all over a hot pink dress. That alone would be enough to scare anyone, but then I saw what I thought was a very weird looking butterfly on the back of the dress.......

On second glance, I realized it was not a butterfly at all. It was a hole in the woman's dress. No wait, that's not a hole, that's several holes. Like five holes. Yes, there were five holes in the back of this woman's dress. They were big enough that I could see her hot pink granny panties and her cottage cheese thighs. I almost puked. It's bad enough seeing your own cottage cheese thighs, but nobody wants to see them on someone else. Especially at the grocery store!

I actually pondered telling her about the holes in her dress, thinking maybe she didn't know about them. I decided that anyone who would wear that dress in the first place wouldn't care about a few well-placed holes and decided to leave it alone.

I'm still suffering flashbacks some 5 hours later and I expect they will continue. I probably have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder now......

A. P. B.

The Heathenville Chief of Police (a.k.a. Mommy) has issued an all points bulletin for Froggy B. Froggy was last seen Wednesday night prior to bed time. He has not been seen since. A suspect was heard threatening to stuff Froggy in the toilet. The suspect, who is short, blond and six-years-old denies any knowledge of Froggy's whereabouts. A thorough search has been executed, but Froggy was not found. Froggy is 18 inches tall, has green skin and one eye. He was last seen wearing nothing. If you see Froggy, please call the Heathenville Police Dept.

A Heathenville Moment

When you live in Heathenville, as I do, you learn to never, never let your guard down. Heathens, as has been proven time and time again, are capable of anything imaginable. And even a few things unimaginable.

Today my boys were playing together very nicely. This, in itself, is surprising, but you can only imagine the ice water that flowed through my veins when I heard Micah say to Aaron "Let's build a bomb!"

Now, a typical mother, a mother of non-Heathen children, would probably laugh if she heard those words uttered in her presence. Possibly she would chastise her children for speaking of violence. But that's a typical mother. A mother who is secure in her belief that her children would never knowingly blow anything up. I was terrified.

My very first thought upon hearing those words were "Oh my God, where did they learn how to build bombs?" I'm not kidding. My second thought was "Oh my God, what are they going to blow up?" My third thought? "Can I get to them before they detonate?"

The good news is my kids did not blow anything up. They did build a "bomb," but it was fashioned out of a small baby blanket, balled up and when it was dropped it "exploded." Whew. I'm now going to block Google and all other search engines from our computers, though, just in case they decide they want to learn how to build a real bomb. I don't put anything past my kids.

Summer in the Suburbs

Summer has finally arrived in western Washington. The sun is shining, the flowers are growing and we haven't seen a drop of rain in nearly a month! I know, I know. Everyone who has never lived in Washington thinks it rains all year long (I did too). In reality, it rains from October to May and then it's dry, dry, dry.

My yard is beautiful, thanks to the owners of the house who lived here until we moved in. I planted a couple pots full of annuals this spring, but most of them are dead. Thanks to Heidi and Scott I have hydrangeas, daisies, hollyhocks, echinacea, lavender and clematis. It's gorgeous in my backyard, and even better because I know I don't have to mow it!

My kids are officially bored with summer vacation. They big summer dreams of vacations at Disneyland, shopping, carnivals, parades and more. In reality we went to a parade and they were bored silly. We went to the fireworks on July 4th and they were enchanted, but they were over much too soon. No vacation this summer--gas prices are way too high and I have no desire to drive to Disneyland (or, God forbid, DisneyWORLD) with my three heathens.

We're all counting down the days until we see Mike again. This deployment has seemed especially long, even though I thought it wouldn't be "too bad." See, this is the first deployment in which I am not pregnant or taking care of an infant or toddler. Should be a breeze, right? Turns out, older kids miss Daddy more than babies do, and just because there are no diapers to change doesn't mean Mom gets any kind of break. Sigh. On the bright side, I'm meeting Mike in Hawaii at the end of this deployment for a much-needed vacation. That should make up for a lot.......